Thursday, August 2, 2012
I guess I could blame part of that on fear.
I would rather not have the attention on myself so sometimes I think I mask things up with a lot of sarcasm. Which I know tends to come through in my writing. It's hard to talk about personal struggles without knowing how much you need to dig up and put out there for the world to see.
I don't talk about my disease and the struggles that go along with it very often. I mean, I try to keep things lighthearted on here. And because it is something that follows me around every single day sometimes I get selfish and choose not to talk about it. Because frankly, I get tired of thinking about it.
But, the more that I have been thinking about being personal on the blog I've realized that I have masked up a very real and active part of my life. My struggles. My struggles with Type 1 Diabetes. My struggles to keep myself physically together.
I so badly don't want to be defined by this disease or sound like I am pitying myself that I often don't share anything about it. And that has led a lot of people in my life to believe that I'm doing ok all the time. And this really isn't a big deal to me.
But, the truth is, it is a big deal to me.
I feel anger sometimes. I do. Anger at myself for not being able to keep it under control. Anger at my body for not being able to act as I believe a body in it's mid-twenties should be behaving. Anger at food. Anger at the chronic fatigue. Anger at needles and apparatuses that I attach and wear on my body all the time. There has been anger at all those things. And I want to admit that.
Because yes, I do have a strong faith and trust in Jesus Christ. I believe that He has held me together. I do believe in an all-knowing, all powerful, all healing God. I do. But, I am still human. And He knows that. And I still struggle and fall down sometimes. And I still get frustrated by things that I can't control.
He puts me back together every time.
And that was apparent this week when I went to the doctor and heard everything that I didn't want to hear. It is so frustrating when you try to do better and the numbers come back telling you that in fact, you have done worse. I wanted to burst into tears right there on that stupid little table.
You know the ones with the paper that crinkles underneath your legs every time you move?
I was overwhelmed with fear and failure and anger and frustration all in that moment. Because, my husband and I want a baby. We want to be parents. We want to take that next step as a family. And my health, my disease, my body that lacks control is standing in the way of that. It is delaying the process. And it hurts.
Those are all the things on my heart right now. I fully recognize that was a loaded jumble of words. And I suppose at the root of this I want you to know that I am human being that struggles. But, there is hope. At the end of all this I know there is hope. I cling to that.
"And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." :Colossians 1:17