Thursday, August 2, 2012

Opening Up

Sometimes I wonder if I am as personal as I should be on this blog. I go back and forth with trying to determine the right formula of privacy and opening up. I go back and forth with pushing forward and not. I believe that the wall of the internet helps me with that somewhat, but I am naturally a pretty private person.

I guess I could blame part of that on fear.

I would rather not have the attention on myself so sometimes I think I mask things up with a lot of sarcasm. Which I know tends to come through in my writing. It's hard to talk about personal struggles without knowing how much you need to dig up and put out there for the world to see.

 I don't talk about my disease and the struggles that go along with it very often. I mean, I try to keep things lighthearted on here. And because it is something that follows me around every single day sometimes I get selfish and choose not to talk about it. Because frankly, I get tired of thinking about it.

But, the more that I have been thinking about being personal on the blog I've realized that I have masked up a very real and active part of my life. My struggles. My struggles with Type 1 Diabetes. My struggles to keep myself physically together.
 I so badly don't want to be defined by this disease or sound like I am pitying myself that I often don't share anything about it. And that has led a lot of people in my life to believe that I'm doing ok all the time. And this really isn't a big deal to me.

But, the truth is, it is a big deal to me.

I feel anger sometimes. I do. Anger at myself for not being able to keep it under control. Anger at my body for not being able to act as I believe a body in it's mid-twenties should be behaving. Anger at food. Anger at the chronic fatigue. Anger at needles and apparatuses that I attach and wear on my body all the time. There has been anger at all those things. And I want to admit that.

Because yes, I do have a strong faith and trust in Jesus Christ. I believe that He has held me together. I do believe in an all-knowing, all powerful, all healing God. I do. But, I am still human. And He knows that. And I still struggle and fall down sometimes. And I still get frustrated by things that I can't control.
He puts me back together every time.

And that was apparent this week when I went to the doctor and heard everything that I didn't want to hear. It is so frustrating when you try to do better and the numbers come back telling you that in fact, you have done worse. I wanted to burst into tears right there on that stupid little table.
You know the ones with the paper that crinkles underneath your legs every time you move?

 I was overwhelmed with fear and failure and anger and frustration all in that moment. Because, my husband and I want a baby. We want to be parents. We want to take that next step as a family. And my health, my disease, my body that lacks control is standing in the way of that. It is delaying the process. And it hurts.
You know?

Those are all the things on my heart right now. I fully recognize that was a loaded jumble of words. And I suppose at the root of this I want you to know that I am human being that struggles. But, there is hope. At the end of all this I know there is hope. I cling to that.

"And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." :Colossians 1:17



6 comments:

  1. first of all, a big, big hug to you my friend. i commend you for writing this out and for sharing it on your blog. the wonderful thing about this little blogging community is that we are all here for one another and can use each other as sources of inspiration and hope.

    my sister in law went through the same thing you are going through now about a year and a half ago. they thought having babies might be out of the picture. but sure enough, they kept trying and it happened. and my sweet little niece is healthy and happy at 10 months old. hope is there....i know you are strong enough and brave enough to get through this. you seem to have one heck of a hubby to help you, too. i will be saying a prayer for you tonight and the nights to come....

    xo, amanda

    ReplyDelete
  2. Its always a tough question what to share and what not to share as a blogger!
    It's good though if you feel you want to share these things. I hope you will be able to start your little family soon! All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are so strong to share this on your blog -- I know it can be tough, getting personal on such a public space. But sharing your story (as much of it as you choose) will touch and help others who are struggling. Sending nothing but love and positive thoughts your way, sweet friend!

    http://dreamingenfrancais.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  4. Praying for you. We tried for 5 years to have a baby when the Lord blessed us with Jasmine :). I know how you feel. I struggled with depression waiting for my precious one, getting frustrated with my body too. God has a plan for you too and just remember he is with you every step of the way.

    God bless you,
    Maureen Riley

    ReplyDelete
  5. thank you for your honesty girl, i resonate with how you feel and it helped me to read your perspective.
    just stumbled upon your lovely blog, following along :)
    xo
    erin

    sweetnessitself.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hello, dear! I'm happy I found you; I too am a type 1 diabetic. It's not an easy time! I know all too well the sinking feeling when A1C numbers come back not so good. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead, leave a comment!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...