Monday, August 27, 2012

Some things I learned over the weekend....

Summer is taking it's last dance here in Michigan. While the weather was extremely warm over the weekend, our travels through the state revealed the edges of leaves already beginning to change. I will admit, this has me slightly thrilled. This state knows how to do fall.

Sometimes climbing 200+ stairs against incoming rain is worth it. Especially when you get to the top and the view goes on forever. Sometimes life is exactly like that little analogy. And that was my deep thought for the day.

I need to take more time to appreciate the outdoors. It is magnificent. I can't  help but notice that my God is really artistic. And creative. All I have to do is look at creation and get a glimpse of that.

Spending a weekend with your family is always an adventure. A good adventure.

Hope your weekend was lovely! What went on?

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Where I've been and where I'm going.

It has been a long time. First of all, let me just say that I appreciated all of your kind comments in regards to our anniversary. It was a very special day. And Erick and I can't believe how far we've come.

I suppose I have been putting this post off for awhile. It's definitely not one of the easier things that I have chosen to write about.

In the midst of the flood of thoughts rolling through my head I hope they translate as concise and heartfelt as possible.

I almost decided to walk away from blogging this past week.

I've needed time to rethink my purpose and goals in doing this. And let me be honest, this was definitely sparked in my head after our church hosted an awesome youth conference that Erick and I helped out at and the Word of God just penetrated my heart.

So, here comes the brutally honest part: I have had to look at my motives behind this blog.

What is it? Is it about the number of followers? Is it a creative outlet for me?
Is it my life on display? Is it that someone is going to eventually consider me an expert at something?
Is it about my writing? Is it about my family and relationship with my husband?

What is this about?

Because, can I be honest friends?
Sometimes I feel discouraged when it comes to blogging.
Sometimes I'm not sure why I would spend hours a day going through the motions of all this.
If this space is just about me and my life and what I'm doing or what I've done or my writing then I think I have personally missed it.
I did say "personally."
Which means I don't hold my personal convictions over anyone else.
I have come to the conclusion that striving towards the world of "blogdom" is the wrong way for me.
I need to adjust my priorities.
I need to live the life that God has given me and allow my relationship with Him, my husband, and my family be a real priority first.

Lastly, I recognize that I have often talked about my faith on this blog.
I don't think it is any secret.

But, I haven't allowed myself to talk about it enough.
I would rather this space be pointing to Jesus than me.
And I understand that might make this blog tougher to swallow.
I understand I may isolate my audience.
And I understand I may lose some followers. Some readers. Some comments.
But, that's alright.
I fully recognize that.

I'm just putting it out there right now: this blog is going to point to the cross. And how it has changed me.
I'm not the same because of it.
I am laying down my rights to this blog and making it solely about me.
Because there is more to my story than myself.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Six years with my best friend

This Sunday Erick and I will be celebrating six years of marriage. I am in shock. The years have flown by. They have went faster than I ever could have imagined. 
Six years feels like minutes when you are spending them with your best friend. 

It's been a crazy six years babe. 
Six years of inside jokes. Six years of you getting up at the crack of dawn. 
Six years of you telling me you love me at the crack of dawn. 

Six years of washing your work clothes. Six years of balancing the budget...and sometimes not. 
Six years of coffee runs.

 Six years of moving here and there and everywhere. Six years of dreaming. Six years of exploring Michigan together. 

Six years of music. Six years of biking together. Six years of car trouble (R.I.P silver car).
Six years of you telling me what shirt looks better (only to have me pick the opposite one). 

Six years of crying on each others shoulder. Six years since we brought home kitty (probably feels like twenty to you). 

Six years of Target runs and mall walks. Six years of Friday night movie night (mooovvvviiiieee night!) 
Six years of shopping trips. 

Six years of me celebrating Christmas too early. Six years of loving fall. Six years of you loving winter. 
Six years of watching you walk up our apartment stairs.

Six years of you taking care of me and assuring me everything is going to be ok when I don't feel like it is.
Six years of you finding remains of food in the morning after my midnight low blood sugar episode.

Six years of you indulging my "You've Got Mail" obsession (thanks for quoting it with me). 

Six years of my music being too loud in the car. 
Six years of you snoring too loud. 

 Six years of running after Jesus together.

Six years.
Our six years.
The best six years.
To the next six.
I love you more than anything babes. 
Thank you for this life. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Life Detox.

I've been having one of those weeks where I just need to take some time and refocus. 
You know those weeks? 
The ones where there are so many questions and thoughts going through the brain that you have to step back and take an inventory of everything?
 I would love to say that I'm one of those people that does great in public situations whenever I am overwhelmed. 
But, alas, I am not.
 I need alone time.
 Do you ever need that too? 
Just time to be still and silent. Time to be away from distractions and anything else going on in the world around you.
So, the last couple days I have been hunkered down in our apartment (very hermit like) and have been praying and reading my Bible and journaling and taking bubble baths and making chili and drinking loads of detox tea. 
It helped that it rained yesterday. 
I love the sound of summer rain. 
It just seems to wash all the heat away. 
Everything looks instantly more green: more alive. 
Sometimes my life mirrors that.
 I have felt slightly dry in spirit lately. And this time to just focus and pray is like rain. 
It starts like a sprinkle and then it begins to pour out.
 Until it is washing all the worry and concern and questions away.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Some things I learned over the weekend...

There are treasures to be found when you go through someone else's junk. Treasures and ideas.

I love bruschetta. It is beyond delicious.

Laughing is like medicine. My brother and I had a moment while watching the Olympics. We were crying by the end of it.

Speaking of brothers: mine leaves to head back to SC tomorrow. It's always bittersweet when family is spread out across the country. It has been a memorable last two weeks. Completed with a summer 2012 mixed cd.

Garden vegetables! It's time! Let's pick 'em and eat 'em!

Brownie cookies. Heard of them? They are brownies in cookie form. And they rock.

I may have bought a faux leather bomber jacket this week. It spoke to me. It said: "fall is coming someday".

How was your weekend? Can you even believe that it is August?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Opening Up

Sometimes I wonder if I am as personal as I should be on this blog. I go back and forth with trying to determine the right formula of privacy and opening up. I go back and forth with pushing forward and not. I believe that the wall of the internet helps me with that somewhat, but I am naturally a pretty private person.

I guess I could blame part of that on fear.

I would rather not have the attention on myself so sometimes I think I mask things up with a lot of sarcasm. Which I know tends to come through in my writing. It's hard to talk about personal struggles without knowing how much you need to dig up and put out there for the world to see.

 I don't talk about my disease and the struggles that go along with it very often. I mean, I try to keep things lighthearted on here. And because it is something that follows me around every single day sometimes I get selfish and choose not to talk about it. Because frankly, I get tired of thinking about it.

But, the more that I have been thinking about being personal on the blog I've realized that I have masked up a very real and active part of my life. My struggles. My struggles with Type 1 Diabetes. My struggles to keep myself physically together.
 I so badly don't want to be defined by this disease or sound like I am pitying myself that I often don't share anything about it. And that has led a lot of people in my life to believe that I'm doing ok all the time. And this really isn't a big deal to me.

But, the truth is, it is a big deal to me.

I feel anger sometimes. I do. Anger at myself for not being able to keep it under control. Anger at my body for not being able to act as I believe a body in it's mid-twenties should be behaving. Anger at food. Anger at the chronic fatigue. Anger at needles and apparatuses that I attach and wear on my body all the time. There has been anger at all those things. And I want to admit that.

Because yes, I do have a strong faith and trust in Jesus Christ. I believe that He has held me together. I do believe in an all-knowing, all powerful, all healing God. I do. But, I am still human. And He knows that. And I still struggle and fall down sometimes. And I still get frustrated by things that I can't control.
He puts me back together every time.

And that was apparent this week when I went to the doctor and heard everything that I didn't want to hear. It is so frustrating when you try to do better and the numbers come back telling you that in fact, you have done worse. I wanted to burst into tears right there on that stupid little table.
You know the ones with the paper that crinkles underneath your legs every time you move?

 I was overwhelmed with fear and failure and anger and frustration all in that moment. Because, my husband and I want a baby. We want to be parents. We want to take that next step as a family. And my health, my disease, my body that lacks control is standing in the way of that. It is delaying the process. And it hurts.
You know?

Those are all the things on my heart right now. I fully recognize that was a loaded jumble of words. And I suppose at the root of this I want you to know that I am human being that struggles. But, there is hope. At the end of all this I know there is hope. I cling to that.

"And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." :Colossians 1:17

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